3-way #5 BY: Jesse Abundis

( The Magical Vagina )

A Woman comes in for her checkup, while her husband waits in the car.

Doctor: Well, okay. Let’s see what we’ve got here ?

Female Patient: Same old, same old.

Doctor: Well, okay. Here we. . . . WOW

The Doctor see’s something coming out.

Female: What’s wrong?

Doctor: Have you shaved?

Female: Yes?

Doctor: That is the hairiest Beaver I’ve seen.

Husband Walks in

Husband: Babe, I don’t want to wait in the car. Can’t I see the Doctor stick his finger, in the bottomless pit ? Holy crap, what’s that ?

Female: What is it ?

A Small little Beaver pops out.

Doctor: Oh my, that’s never happened before ?

Husband: That was the smell.

Female: Carl!

Husband: What? I smelled wet stinky beaver, let’s just be glad it wasn’t coming from you hun.

Beaver: Where am I?

Doctor & Husband : IT TALKS!

 

Beaver: AHH!

Female: Oh, my God. Please tell me this isn’t happing ?

Doctor: What should we do?

Husband: Push it back in?

Female: No, no one is pushing anything inside me.

Husband: She’s the same way in bed.

Female: CARL!

Doctor: Where did you come from, little fellow.

The Doctor Picks up the Beaver and begins to stroke him.

Husband: Hey baby, the Doctor is stroking your beaver.

Female: Shut up, Carl.

Beaver: I’ve come from the land of Cuntarnia.

Husband: Wow, how is it?

Beaver: Dry, lonely, and loveless.

Husband: Yup, that sounds about right.

Doctor: Do you want to go back little fellow.

Female: This can’t be happing.

Beaver: I rather like it here. And to tell the truth, I feel welcomed and loved for the very first time.

Husband: Can we keep it baby?

Female: NO!

Husband: So, my wife’s vagina is a portal to this fairyland Cuntarnia ?

Doctor: It seems so.

Husband: Baby, you have a magical vagina.

Female: Oh, God. Please I beg you, take this whole attention away from me.

Another Husband comes running in

Husband 2: Doctor, you’re not going to believe it.

 

Doctor: What?

Husband 2: My wife, is throwing a fist full of chocolate out of her Vagina.

Doctor: And?

Husband: Here’s the best part, an Oompa-Loompa came out!

Doctor, Husband and the Beaver Gasp in excitement

The Wife looks up in the sky and thanks God.

Female: I owe you one.

A Lion roar comes out of her Vagina

Female: You bastard.

- The End -

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

( Things you should keep to yourself)

 

A Man stands in a busy line in the grocery store, with a gallon of milk.

( Man ) I love milk, because I pretend it’s my Mother’s Breast milk!

The people just stare at him.

( Man) Mmmm, yummy.

- The End-

 

 

 

 

Late Night Phone Calls

 

Gina: Hello ?

Rick: It’s me, babe.

Gina: Oh, why are we calling this late night?

Rick: I wanted to have phone sex?

Gina: Ricky, your dirty boy. Okay. . .

Another Call comes in.

Gina: Can you hold baby?

Rick: Sure thing.

Gina: Thanks.

 

 

Gina Takes the other call

Gina: Hello?

Ashley: Hey girl.

Gina: Hey Ash, just one sec.

Ashley : No problem.

Gina takes the other call

Gina: Hey baby, you ready to rock my world.

Rick: Oh yeah.

Gina: Give it to me big boy.

Rick: Oh baby, I ‘m going to give it to you in the. . .

Gina Switches the call back Ashley

Gina: Hey girl, so what’s going on ?

Ashley: Are you busy?

Gina: No, nothing to big.

Ashley: Cool, I got a story to tell.

Gina: Oh, dish girl.

Ashley: Well, Stacy, was cheating on Brad.

Gina: Shut up!

Ashley: Nope, and now Brad plans to sleep with Stacy’s Mom!

Gina: Oh, my god.

Ashley: And I was like. . .

Gina Switches back to Rick

Rick: Can you feel it baby.

Gina: That’s it, give to me big boy.

Rick: I’m going to rock your world.

Gina Switches back Ashley.

Ashley: And I was like WOO, this can’t be happing, were all naked In bed with her Mom. . .

Gina Switches back to Rick

Rick: I’m your bitch, I”M YOUR BITCH.

Gina Switches back to Ashley

Ashley: And, we met Mel Brooks, I’m not sure how that happened, but then. . .

Gina Switches back to Rick

Rick is crying after getting off

Rick: I feel so weak.

Gina goes back to Ashley

Ashley: You know what I mean?

Gina: Totally.

Ashley: See, your like the only person. . .

Switches back to Rick

Rick: You know where I’m coming from right babe?

Gina: Of course.

Rick: I shouldn’t be ashamed that I wear women’s . . .

Switches back to Ashley

Ashley: Thanks for listening, talk to you tomorrow.

Gina: Can’t wait.

 

Ashley hangs up. Gina Switches back to Rick

Rick: It doesn’t make me less of a man?

Gina: It sure doesn’t.

Rick: God, I love you.

Gina: Love you too.

Rick: Talk to you tomorrow ?

Gina: You know it.

 

- The End-

 

3-Way # 4

(Guess Whose Pregnant)

 

Wife walks up behind her husband, and hugs him.

Wife: Guess whose pregnant?

Husband: Oh, God no. Why me, it’s not suppose to happen to me. What did you do you witch, what kind of voodoo did you put on me.

Wife: No, I’m pregnant.

Husband: Oh, that makes more sense.

- The End-

 

(Awkward )

Two men are standing side by side while using the urinal. The man on the right looks over.

( Man R) Wow, that’s a cute penis. It’s not veiny like most.

The man on the left feels uncomfortable, uncertain what to say.

( Man L) Thank you.

(Man R) Mmm, yeah very nice.

( Man L) I’m married.

(Man R) What? Oh, no I’m not gay.

( Man L) Oh.

( Man R) I just . . . . .

Man on the right can’t keep his eyes off.

(Man L) Can you please stop looking.

( Man R) Oh sure.

( Man L) Thank you.

( Man R) Because I’m not gay, I love woman. Yup, love vagina’s. Can’t get enough.

( Man L) That’s good.

( Man R) Yeah, I’m straight.

( Man L) That’s good.

( Man R) Can I touch it.

( Man L) Get the fuck out.

 

- The End-

 

 

 

 

(Caught In The Act)

A young Teenage boy, wears his mother’s red dress, earing, lip stick and perfume

Teen Boy: Whose sexy, I’m sexy. That’s right I’m a sassy bitch.

Boy’s Father walks In

Father: Oh my god!

Teen Boy: Dad, I’m so sorry.

Father: What have I told you before.

Teen Boy: I’m sorry.

Father: The red dress is mines, you can have your mothers blue dress.

Teen Boy: Sorry.

Father: Now, don’t hog the lipstick.

-The End-

 

 

3-way Extra

(Your it)

A Mother walks around the park with a baby in her arms. Another woman walking by can’t help notice the beautiful child.

Woman: Oh my God, is that your baby ?

Mother: Yes it is.

Woman: he’s so cute.

Mother: Do you want to hold him ?

Woman: Yes.

Mother hands the baby over.

Mother: SUCKER NOW IT”S YOURS.

The Mother Runs off

The Woman looks around in shock and disbelief

(Woman) Jesus, what do I do?

Another woman walks up to her.

(Woman 2) Oh my God, is that your baby ?

(Woman) Well, yes it is.

(Woman 2) He’s so cute.

(Woman) Hey, are you a good catcher?

(Woman 2) Why, yes I am.

The Woman throws the child to her. And takes off running.

(Woman 2) It’s my lucky day. I’m going to smoke you.

- The End-

 

3-way # 3

( Son, It’s Time You Became A Man)

Father: Son, your growing up.

Father puts his hand on his seven year old son shoulder’.

Father: And, you have the soul of a warrior.

Son: I do?

Father: You do.

Son: Cool.

Father: Nothing can hurt you, Son, you are God.

Son: Wow.

Father: That’s right.

Son: I didn’t know.

Father: I didn’t want to tell you anything, but I feel like the time is right.

Son: Really?

Father: Yes.

Son: I love you, Dad.

Father: I love you, too. Your such a man ,son, you can take down that blood thirsty bear outside that refuses to leave us alone.

Son: I can?

Father: Son, you have the soul of a warrior, nothing can stop you.

Son: Alright, that bear is dead!

The Son runs out of the cabin to take on the hungry, blood thirsty bear.

Father: I love kids, they’re so stupid.

The Father runs off to safety.

- The End-

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

( Murder!)

A Body lies on the floor.

Detective: Someone killed this woman. there’s only four of us here. Butler did you see who committed this murder?

Butler: No sir, I was to busy strangling the hooker.

Detective: What about you doctor?

Doctor: I was to busy, strangling my own.

Detective: ?

Doctor: I was jerking off.

Detective: Ahh. What about you Ms. Humps.

Ms. Mumps: That’s Mumps.

Detective: Yes, what were you doing?

Ms. Mumps: I was busy doing crack off a switch blade.

Detective: Well, I didn’t see anything. I was to busy strangling this woman. Ah shit.

- The End-

 

 

( TV show: Doctors Facing Racial Issues, ON ABC)

White Doctor pushes the door into the ER

White Doc: I have it worse, because I’m white. And people think I had it easy. And they think I don’t like black people.

Black Doctor walks in.

 

White Doc: You scared me, and it’s not because your black.

Black Doc: It’s harder on me, because I’m black. The man is always holding me down. Everyday I have to work harder then you White Doctor, just so I can pay off my new car, new house, and my new wives breast.

White Doc: You mean wife.

Black Doc: You wish.

Latino Doctor walks in

Latino Doc: Well I have it harder.

Black Doc: He speaks English, or I understand Spanish very well.

Latino Doc: Everyday someone keeps mistaking me for the janitor or the cook.

White Doc: Your not the cook?

Latino Doc: I will cut you.

Asian Doctor walks in

Asian Doc: That’s nothing.

Asian Doctor mouths moves, like those bad Kung Fu Movies.

Asian Doc: I have worked so hard, and yet I’m treated poorly. ( Kung Fu Laugh)

Latino Doc: How is he doing that?

Asian Doc: And it’s all because I’m Asian. No one can top that.

A Bright Light comes bursting through the door.

Super Doc: Oh yeah.

All Docs: Who can that be?

Super Doc: Well I’m Black, Jewish, and a cripple

All Docs gasp.

Super Doc: And to top it off, I’m a woman.

White Doctor: Yes she is.

All Male Doctors look at her breast.

Super Doc: You make me sick.

 

Announcer: Stay Tune Next week, when we meet THE SUPER LATINO, BLACK, JEW, ASIAN, CRIPPLED, AND MENTALLY RETARDED DOCTOR CORY!

Cory: They let me hold a knife!

 

- The End -

 

 

 

*3-Way Special*

(Jesus For President)

Reporter 1: Jesus, can you fix the economy?

Jesus: I’m Jesus, not superman. Next question

Reporter 2: Jesus, how will you solve the Health Care Crisis.

Jesus: I plan to cure and heal the sick.

Reporter 2: How?

Jesus: hello, Jesus.

Reporter 3: Jesus, whose your running mate?

Jesus: Judas.

All Reporters: Oh, bad choice.

- The end-

 

 

(Did You Hear the News)

 

Male Co-Worker: Did you hear the News!

Female Co-Worker: I did, Chris got Maggie pregnant. Now she want’s to have the baby, but he doesn’t. And Maggie threaten to tell Chris wife’s about what happened. And now Chris is freaking out.

Male Co-Worker: I meant the news, about the new candy machine.

Female Co-Worker: Awesome, have to check it out.

The End

 

3-way # 2

(We Love Your Cock)

 

Infomercial

 

Announcer: Is your cock sad? Has your cock lost it’s magic touch. Well, never fear! Here, at the Cock Lovers, we will take your cock, in our hands. That’s right, we will treat your cock with the love it needs. We will pet it, kiss it and spoil it to death. Some people say our kisses can get a cock wild. It doesn’t matter how old the cock is, we take anything. Cock is cock to us, just don’t bring a pussy. So don’t wait, make that call, your cock deserves it.

 

The Board Meeting for The Rooster Lovers

The board members stare angrily at the young man responsible for this commercial

Boss: Horny teens and old men. That’s what showed up.

Young Man: I swear, that commercial sounded a whole lot better in my head.

 

- The End-

 

 

 

( Daddy where did I come from?)

Child: Daddy.

Father: Yes, son?

Child: Where did I come from?

Father: Well, you came from the seed of the mail man.

Child: I did?

Father: That’s right, mommy is filthy whore who loves to have a lot of sex with different men.

Child: She is?

Father: That’s right. But one day mommy forgot to take her pill, lord and behold here you are.

Child: So..

Father: Which makes you a bastard. Mommy is only with me to save her reputation.

Child: I. . .

Father: You know why Daddy is still with her?

Child: Mommy.

Father: Daddy is still with that lying bitch because he loves to rub it in her face everyday.

Child: Daddy. . .

Father: And mommy just sits there and takes it.

Child: . . .

Father: Like she takes it on anal Fridays.

Child: Please, no.

Father: Nothing to fear, son, Daddy will tell you more when your sixteen.

Child: Daddy, do you love me?

Father: Sometimes.

 

Child grins.

Child: I love you, Dad.

Father: I love you too, you little bastard.

 

-The End-

 

 

 

( Karma II)

 

A group of lawyers, sit at a bar enjoying there drinks after another successful win.

Pete: Life is good boy’s, not only did I win my counter sue against the old woman for One Million dollars, but I also took her house away. Let’s just say little old granny is going to be eating dog food for the remainder of her life.

 

SIX MONTHS LATER

Same Lawyer at a Doctors office.

Pete: Tell me Doc, I can take it.

Doctor: How do I break this gently?

Pete: Just tell me!

Doctor: I’m afraid you have lung cancer, colon cancer, throat cancer, aids, herpes, and a tumor of the size of a golf ball in your head.

Pete: What should I do?

Doctor: Don’t worry, I got you covered.

Pete: Oh, thank God.

The doctor hands him a card.

Doctor: Ask for Sal, he’s a good friend of mines. I’m sure he could give you 50% off a good coffin.

The Nurse walks in and whispers something into the Doctor’s ear.

Doctor: I have good news and bad news, which one do you want to hear first?

Pete: Bad?

Doctor: Bad news is, that I have to cancel my Golf game later today.

Pete: And the good news?

Doctor: You don’t have a gulf size tumor in your head.

Pete: Thank you Jesus, I knew you loved me.

 

Doctor: That’s right, it’s the size of an orange.

Pete: . . .

Doctor: Stupid me, that’s bad news to. Oh well, life goes on. Sadly not for you.

Doctor pats Pete on the back.

Doctor: Look at the bright side.

Pete: What bright side?

Doctor: At least you don’t have Jaundice?

Pete: That’s right!

Doctor looks at the chart

Doctor: Oh, wait never mine.

Pete: Oh God.

Doctor: Yeah, well see ya. Remember make your peace with God.

 

- The End-