( Cook You )

By: CTK Carrico


A host stands in front of two people standing in a kitchen with the lights set up so that they appear to just be shadows.


Host: Hello, and welcome to our first episode of COOK YOU. On today’s episode, we have two cooks, on ONE STOVE. These amateur cooks are working against each other in making pasta. Our first cook, Maria, hails from Long Island, born and raised in an Italian household, she’s been cooking since she was 8 years old when her mother pulled her out of school and had her taking care of her family.

A light comes up showing Maria, a little, white haired, old Italian woman with a very pleasant look on her face and a wooden spoon in her hand. The camera zooms in on her as she speaks.

Maria: I am so happy to be here, I just want to let everyone know that this spoon got me through some hard times.

Maria looks at the spoon passionately.

Maria: Very hard times.

Host: Creepy. Now, our second guest is Esparenza, originally from Naples, Italy and has been living in lovely, Pittsburgh, PA for the past 25 years. She’s been cooking her whole life, learning in the home of Pizza.

A light comes up on another little Italian woman in her 50’s with a sweet look to her, also holding a wooden spoon. The camera zooms on her.

Esparenza: Me so happy to be here. I play for blood.

Host: Well, at least we know you have a sense of humor.

Esparenza: Humor ?

The camera zoom’s back on the host.

Host: Welcome, ladies, now, you’re both going to have half an hour to make a pasta on the go, in one kitchen, sharing the same ingredients. Time to go from being polite to being competitive. Ladies, do you think you have it in you ?

Maria: Most definitely.


Esparenza: Si.

Host: Before we start, I would love to thank our sponsor Mega Lax, when the drains are clog, clean your pipes with Mega Lax and remove that brown sludge! Our contestants will be receiving a month’s worth of Mega Lax for participating.

Esparenza: Goody.

Host: OK, ladies, then, 3, 2, 1, GO!

Both women run behind the stove and start to go through cupboards, grabbing different things. Maria bumps into Esparenza.

Maria: Oh, excuse me.

Host: It’s hot granny on granny action, oh yeah.

The Host licks his lips, with the camera zoomed on him.

Camera Man: That wasn’t disturbing at all.

Maria goes into the cupboard that Esparenza was just going for and grabs something out of it. Obviously, it’s what Esparenza was after, she elbows Maria and grabs the ingredient out of Maria’s hand

Esparenza: Scusi.

Maria looks irritated, goes and grabs something comparable to what she had before and goes to the stove, starts putting stuff on, stirs boiling water for pasta and flings some hot water at Esparenza, scorching her hand, Esparenza screams.

Esparenza: Mingia, What is it that you do? Why you do that?

Maria: Oh, I’m sorry, are you alright?

Esparenza starts to chop tomatoes, Maria reaches over to grab a clove of garlic from over Esparenza, Esparenza cuts the top of Maria’s hand with her knife. Maria back hands Esparenza.

Camera men & Host: Oh, nice back hand.

Maria: What the [bleep] is your [bleep] problem you crazy [bleep]? I’m going to kill your ass, you will regret that you Italian [bleep]!!

Host: The FCC is going to fine our fucking ass, SHIT! Who forgot the fucking bleep?


Esparenza screams in Italian as she jumps at Maria and they start to wrestle, the host steps in front of the camera and a group of large men come from the sidelines grabbing the women, pulling them apart from each other.

Host: Well, we will be going to commercial now, I told you producer assholes to just spend a little more money so they could each have their own kitchen and ingredients… maybe from now on youu….

The Host has a shocked look on his face as the fighting continues behind him, he turns around and we see a knife in the back of his shoulder, he falls over.


– Fin –


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